Printed by Tufton Street; London
Re-printed; and fold by A. B. dP. Johnson
M. M. X. X. I. I. I.
It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great city, or travel in the country, when they see the empty streets, shops and taverns, shuttered and malfeas’d, cast against the teeming hospitals and overflowing morgues.
These wretched souls within those tragic walls, mere fodder for those large-hearted folk who refuse even the mild inconvenience of a mounting a temporary cloth cover on their plague-wracked bouche, are beyond the help that might have been afforded them had they been issued forth from the birth canal at a more fortuitous co—ordinate of longitude and latitude, far from these a’cursed isles.
However it is a matter of publick knowledge that the vast majority of these plebeians of the most wretched luck are elderly, well beyond child-bearing age, and therefore use. Many of these sporting folk were minded to restrict the freedoms of their offspring, to scupper their work prospects and send a vast number of shop owners and tradesfolk into the spiralling misery that is bankruptcy, alcoholism and destitution.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that a prodigious number of elderly, often found expecting a free ride on the back of some busy work they submitted to the commonweal several decades earlier, have more than contributed to the present deplorable state of the kingdom, having forcefully barracked for the very shortages of food which now afflict us. These ruddy-faced imbeciles, spared the lunatic asylum by scheming politicos desperate for their rudimentary crosses come polling day, have evidently contributed more than their fair share to the nation’s misery, such that it could be imaged that this novel Coronavirus is God’s wrath against their sin, avarice and depravity.
Given this great grievance; whoever could discover a fair, cheap and easy method of making these soon-to-be deceased men and women sound and useful members of the body politick, would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation, much in the manner of Sir Nigel of Farage.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide a happy use for these denizens of inconsiderate temperament: it is of a much greater extent, and it is my intention to strike two birds with one stone, so to speak, as we are at this tragic time finding it increasingly difficult to support the continued nutrition of the children of this sorry nation. The State is, in effect, little able to support our infants through this crisis, as our Great Leaders find themselves pre-occupied with the critically important task of furnishing the pockets of their publick school comrades with trinkets from the publick purse.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this subject, long before this great plague brought matters into sharp relief. I maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors, but have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, the elderly may have been supported by their private pension, for ten, maybe twenty, years, with little other in the way of financial nourishment. However, the few pennies of lawful National Insurance contributions begrudgingly disbursed in their lifetimes are often dwarfed by the cost of fixing a single blood vessel, burst upon reading of a single mother purchasing an avocado.
Therefore it is exactly for these — for wont of a better word — Gammon, in these circumstances that I propose to provide for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a charge upon society, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the nourishment, and partly to the clothing, of desperate young-folk, struggling to forage enough sustenance in this cash-strapped and food-impoverished land of Brexit.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned sixty-six and six-tenths millions, of which there are a documented one million children living in abject poverty, their lives and opportunities curtailed at birth by hardy sons of the common clay who believe that nay a sovereign individual — save those of the landed gentry — should enjoy a childhood free from want and hunger, lest they enter their maturity with concerns for the world greater than that of the gnawing emptiness of their own innards.
Yet concurrently, the quantity of Britons who are both elderly and voted for the economic, social and cultural destitution of Brexit — and therefore in possession of the tell-tale complexion of the Gammon race — dwarf the number of hungry children tenfold.
In furtherance, under the current governance of magnificent scoundrels and dandies, all methods of finding use — or indeed ornament — of these Gammon hitherto proposed fall short. For we can neither employ their wizened mitts in handicraft nor agriculture; after years of alcohol abuse, salting their daily lard and ritual cancering by means of various tobacco-based paraphernalia they can neither build houses, nor cultivate land. Their natural obstinance and distrust of anything deemed “modern” — such as democracy and the metric system — means they can very seldom pick up a novel livelihood this late in their day.
I am assured by our merchants that Gammon are no saleable commodity, even the fittest amongst them will not yield above three shillings, or three shillings and half a sixpence at most; which cannot turn to account either to the kingdom, the charge of nutriments and rags having been at least four times that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing Laputan of my acquaintance, that a Gammon, even one that is Covid-riddled, can make the most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, much in the manner of their namesake, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasie, or a ragoust. The singular matter of import in the preperation is that any given cut of Gammon is dipped in a vat of Aqua regia before cooking.
I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the eleven and seven tenths million Gammon, a fraction are set aside for the lunchtime consumption of those most in need: the children of essential workers, workers who have been found not so essential to be worthy of being paid a living wage.
A single Gammon, hearty and stout, will make up to over month’s worth of subsistence for a growing child. The fore and hind quarters will make a most satisfying roast, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good reheated up to the fourth day, especially in winter. That’s not to pretermit Gammon steaks, ribs, shoulder and flank. Gammon nuggets in breadcrumbs will make a joyous nutritious snack, a “dipper” if you will. And of course, Gammon sandwiches would no doubt become a staple of every child’s lunchbox, once the schools are reconstituted.
All parts of the Gammon are edible save for the bones, which may be boiled to make soup, and the teeth, which may be fashioned into desirable jewellery for the aristocracy. Soft tissue from eyeballs and gonads may be used as sausage filler, much in the manner of traditional pig-based hors d’œuvres. Gammon flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more easily identified in the summer months when the skin is coloured just right, self-tenderised and sun-dried; a delicious pinkish-red hue, ready to pop in the Aga.
My Laputan acquaintance assured me from frequent experience, that while the flesh of the younger Gammon (being less than 50 years) is generally tough and lean, and their taste disagreeable, like that of the very pangolin which may well have begat this wretched plague upon us; this is not the case with many older members of the Gammonite community, who, after taking early retirement, have become portly (and therefore increasingly palatable) on the fat and endless cruise holidays of the generous pension schemes they have conspired to deny subsequent generations.
Another confidant, a very worthy Englishman, a true lover of this country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased, in discoursing on this matter, to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He opined that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, conceived that any surplus venison might be well supply’d to their very own rangale of fawns. The younglings, unknowing of the meat’s providence, consumed it with glee, with the added benefit of keeping any spongiform genetic maladies such as Creutzfeldt Yakov Disease confined to the family of the consumee.
It therefore follows that in the spirit of efficiency that freshly deceased Gammon be offered first to the needy grandchildren of the dearly departed.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed, will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.
As for the butchery, shambles may be appointed for this purpose, in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the Gammon alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.
I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
For first, it would greatly lessen the need for over-subscribed burial plots and crematoriums, as well as the services of funeral directors, allowing them to finally get some much-needed respite.
Secondly, those that do not wish to be eaten upon their untimely demise, might reconsider their own personal politicks and instead embrace the godly joy that comes from not being filled with fury, bitterness and spite every hour of every day, and the improvement to both their complexion and life-expectancy that brings.
Thirdly, whereas the lunchtime sustenance of hundreds of thousands of children, from five years old and upwards, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a piece per annum, the nation’s stock will be thereby increased from moneys saved. Furthermore, our balance of trade will benefit from this new dish — introduced to the tables of needy children across the UK’s Single Market (excluding Northern Ireland) — the goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture.
Fourthly, Lord Marcus of Rashford, a thorn in the side of the Tory party on this very issue, will be forced to return to his day job and refrain from meddling in our nefarious scheme to destroy the future of this nation for each and every child who was not born equipped with several silver spoons stashed in their clanging gober.
Fifthly, and following that point, without having to pay for as much plant and animal-based supplements for these wretched children, we will be in the happy position of having an extra few million pounds of taxpayers money to gift to our familiars, spouses and mistresses.
Finally, we could well create constant customers for Gammon flesh, and sell the excess at a premium, besides others who might have it at merry meetings, particularly at weddings and christenings, I compute that London alone would take off annually about ten thousand carcasses; and the rest of the kingdom (where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper) a further forty thousand, ensuring that not a single pound of flesh goes to waste.
I have already computed the charge of providing succour to a hungry child in the immediate aftermath of Brexit to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to pay ten shillings for the carcass of a good plump Gammon, which, as I have stated, will provide a goodly number of nutritive dishes. Thus our esteemed Exchequer will gain eight shillings neat profit for every Gammon devoured. It would therefore be in our interests to continue to permit and give succour to the pro-virus factions of the popular press and social media to run roughshod over common decency, spread their nefarious falsehoods and help provide the United Kingdom with thousands more recently deceased Gammon.
Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barrel’d beef: the propagation of swine’s flesh, and improvement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well grown, adequately fatted Gammon, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure at a Lord Mayor’s feast, or any other publick entertainment. But this, and many others, I omit, being studious of brevity.
I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and ’twas indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one individual United Kingdom, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth.
Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of taxing the wealthy at five shillings a pound: Of using neither cloaths, nor household furniture, except what is of our own growth and manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the materials and instruments that promote foreign luxury: Of securing free and profitable trading arrangements with our closest neighbours: Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women: Of introducing a vein of parsimony, prudence and temperance: Of learning to love our country, wherein we differ even from the French, Greeks, Portuguese and Danish: Of quitting our animosities and footballification, nor acting any longer like the Yankees, who were murdering one another inside their very Capitol just this January gone: Of being a little cautious not to sell our country and consciences for nothing but an empty box of sovereignty: Of teaching us Conservatives to have at least one degree of mercy towards the population we govern.
Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shop-keepers, who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods, cut off entirely from the outside world, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.
Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.
But, as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in the disobliging European Union. For this kind of commodity will not bear exportation, and flesh being of too tender a consistence to admit a long continuance in salt anyway.
After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion, as to reject any offer, proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two salient points of order.
First, as things now stand, how they will be able to gather food and raiment for tens of thousands of hungry mouths and backs, food and raiment required by the children of those wretched souls who are beggars in effect by profession: the bulk of farmers, factory workers and labourers, their wives and children, who through Brexit we plan to make beggars in actuality.
And secondly, this proposal, if implemented throughout this desperate land, how else could we truly leave the NHS in profits totalling no less than three hundred and fifty millions of pounds sterling a week?
I desire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt an answer to my stated queries, that they will first ask the Gammon, whether they would not at this day think it a great happiness to have been repurposed for food once dead from the novel Coronvirus, in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have helped alleviate such a perpetual scene of misfortunes, as the UK has since gone through, by the very will of the Gammon, such as the permanent loss of our industry, mercantile class, international standing and dignity.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about the nutritional value of the Covid-riddled Gammon, who are aged, diseased, or maimed; and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken, to ease the nation of so grievous an incumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known, that they are every day dying with Coronavirus in their thousands, faster per head of the population than in any other Nation State on God’s Green Earth. To allow all this good food to simply go to waste may not be a crime against Our Lord, but it is — without vacillation — a Crime Against Common Sense.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of my country, providing for needy infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to those miserable sods dragged against their will into this lamentable happenstance by seventeen and fourth-tenths million useful idiots who failed to pay sufficient attention to their (albeit lacklustre) schooling, all those years ago.